Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Monday, December 3, 2007
Red Skelton's Recipe for the Perfect Marriage
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas
3. I take my wife everywhere..... but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down! So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me: "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
Can't you just hear him say all of these? That was the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word........ just clean and simple fun!
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas
3. I take my wife everywhere..... but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down! So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me: "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
Can't you just hear him say all of these? That was the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word........ just clean and simple fun!
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Young Chick vs Old Cock
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.
And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.
And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
The Tax Man
The Inland Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a
synagogue.
The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I
noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have
enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they
send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had
a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious
way.
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs
from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we
send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send
a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well,
Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the
circumcisions? "
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up
all the foreskins. And when we have enough we actually send them to the
Inland Revenue."
"The Inland Revenue?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "The Inland Revenue. And, about once a year,
they send us a little prick like you."
synagogue.
The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I
noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have
enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they
send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had
a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious
way.
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs
from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we
send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send
a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well,
Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the
circumcisions? "
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up
all the foreskins. And when we have enough we actually send them to the
Inland Revenue."
"The Inland Revenue?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "The Inland Revenue. And, about once a year,
they send us a little prick like you."
I Owe My Mother
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning"
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next
week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21.My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning"
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next
week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21.My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Salesman of The Year
An Indian moves to Montreal and goes to a big department store looking
for a job.
The manager asks, 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The Indian says, 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home'.
Well, the manager liked the young man, so he gave him the job. 'You
start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did, but
let me give you a bit of advice. If a customer comes looking, say, for
toothpaste, you might suggest for him a toothbrush, or shaving cream
etc. You get the idea?
'Of course,' the young man said. His first day on the job was rough
but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down. 'How many sales
did you make today?
The Indian says, 'One'
The manager groans, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30
sales/day.'
How much was the sale for?'
The Indian says, '$101, 237.64.'
The manager exclaims, 'What? $101,237.64? What did you sell him?'
The Indian replied, 'First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold
him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold
him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing,
and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was going to need a
boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin
engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would
pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him
that 4x4 Pajero.'
The manager says 'You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and
you sold him a boat and truck?!'
The Indian says, 'No, no, no, he came in here to buy a box of Kotex
for his wife and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's already screwed
up you might as well go fishing!!'
for a job.
The manager asks, 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The Indian says, 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home'.
Well, the manager liked the young man, so he gave him the job. 'You
start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did, but
let me give you a bit of advice. If a customer comes looking, say, for
toothpaste, you might suggest for him a toothbrush, or shaving cream
etc. You get the idea?
'Of course,' the young man said. His first day on the job was rough
but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down. 'How many sales
did you make today?
The Indian says, 'One'
The manager groans, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30
sales/day.'
How much was the sale for?'
The Indian says, '$101, 237.64.'
The manager exclaims, 'What? $101,237.64? What did you sell him?'
The Indian replied, 'First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold
him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold
him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing,
and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was going to need a
boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin
engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would
pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him
that 4x4 Pajero.'
The manager says 'You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and
you sold him a boat and truck?!'
The Indian says, 'No, no, no, he came in here to buy a box of Kotex
for his wife and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's already screwed
up you might as well go fishing!!'
Monkey Story
A hat-seller who was passing by a forest decided to take a nap under
one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side. A
few hours later, he woke up and realized
that all his hats were gone.
He looked up and to his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys and
they had taken all his hats. he sits down and thinks of how he can get
the hats down. While thinking he started to scratch his head. The next
moment, the monkeys were doing the same.
Next, he took down his own hat, the monkeys did exactly the same. An
idea came to him, he took his hat and threw it on the floor and the
monkeys did that too. So he finally managed to get all his hats back.
Fifty years later, his grandson, also became a hat-seller and had
heard this monkey story from his grandfather. One day, just like his
grandfather, he passed by the same forest. It was very hot, and he
took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor.
He woke up and realized that all his hats were taken by the monkeys on
the tree. He remembered his grandfather's words, started scratching
his head and the monkeys followed. He took down his hat and fanned
himself and again the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his
grandfather's idea, he threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise
the monkeys still held on to all the hats. Then one monkey climbed
down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and
said............
Guess What????????
.............
.............
.............
.............
.............
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...........
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.......
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"You think only you have a grandfather?"
one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side. A
few hours later, he woke up and realized
that all his hats were gone.
He looked up and to his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys and
they had taken all his hats. he sits down and thinks of how he can get
the hats down. While thinking he started to scratch his head. The next
moment, the monkeys were doing the same.
Next, he took down his own hat, the monkeys did exactly the same. An
idea came to him, he took his hat and threw it on the floor and the
monkeys did that too. So he finally managed to get all his hats back.
Fifty years later, his grandson, also became a hat-seller and had
heard this monkey story from his grandfather. One day, just like his
grandfather, he passed by the same forest. It was very hot, and he
took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor.
He woke up and realized that all his hats were taken by the monkeys on
the tree. He remembered his grandfather's words, started scratching
his head and the monkeys followed. He took down his hat and fanned
himself and again the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his
grandfather's idea, he threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise
the monkeys still held on to all the hats. Then one monkey climbed
down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and
said............
Guess What????????
.............
.............
.............
.............
.............
.............
.............
.............
.............
..............
.............
...........
........
.......
..
..
..
..
..
..
...
..
..
"You think only you have a grandfather?"
Olg Age Jokes
An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the
doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing
aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really
pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my
will three times!"
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the
doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing
aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really
pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my
will three times!"
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years
old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out
to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very
highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name
of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the
kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went
to last night?"
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being
discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one
elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a
suitcase at his feet, who insisted he! Didn't need my help to leave
the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him
to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom
changing out of her hospital gown."
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay,
but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his
chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write
it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it
down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness
sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of
bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast ?"
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's
perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're
really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and
be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart
murmur; be careful."
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his
breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
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